My Story

If we loosen our grip on right and wrong, and the blaming that follows, we can begin to notice how complicated most interactions are and to take responsibility for our part. Apologizing does not mean that the fault is entirely yours. Apologizing is a courageous act and requires humility, generosity, and compassion. It can feel good to apologize!

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I had a personal breakthrough with apologies in 2016 after reading Harriet Lerner's Why Won't You Apologize. One day I received an angry text from my partner accusing me of leaving the fridge open and lamenting that all the food would go bad. My first thought was, "Don't blame me. Calm down. You're overreacting. The food is fine." In other words, defensive. Before replying I considered if it could have been me who left the fridge open and how I would feel if food had to be thrown out. So I replied, "I probably was the one who left the door ajar and I would be sad if we had to throw everything away." What I said was true and heartfelt. I understood where my partner's feelings came from. I did not cause them but I did contribute to the situation and by acknowledging my partner's complaint, it got us to a shared reality.

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There are other situations, such as saying or doing something mean, stonewalling, violence, or betrayal that require a different kind of apology. Don't let feelings of guilt prevent you from taking responsibility. You aren't a bad person, you are a person who made a mistake-- and who has the ability to make things a little better.

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The more we practice writing (or saying) apologies, the more it will become a part of our culture.

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